His pants have been around

Much has been made about the recent John Edwards hoopla. We here at Rants in my Pants (and when I say "we" I do mean "I") choose to believe that Mr. Edwards was simply misinformed on pants wearing etiquette. We regret that we did not make these rules clear earlier as it would've freed up the media to report on more important stories (I for one need a bit more Brangelina as of late).

The general rule of thumb is : Keep your pants on. If you are unsure whether or not this rule applies to your given situation here are a few simple tests. Ask the woman with whom you are eating lunch "Are you my wife?", if "yes", you are free to do whatever you'd like with your pants as long as you are not in public - the rule always applies there. If "no" - leave your pants on . Follow up with questions such as: "Have you seen my wife?", "Do you know how I can contact my wife?", or "Why am I having lunch with you if you aren't my wife?".

If you cannot determine whether the aforementioned woman is your wife- keep your pants on, and leave the premises immediately. Proceed to a safe location, your home for example. If there is a woman there who is making sure your children are cared for, nutured, well fed (in theory),and is sacrificing herself to support your ________ career (add specific field of employment here) you may have found your wife. If she looks like the woman in the pictures on the wall - you can safely assume that she is your wife and it is now safe to remove your pants. (Unless she's the nanny - which is a far more complex and dangerous set of rules and a different blog all together.)

You're welcome in advance. Hope this clears things up.
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Carter Family said...

Thankyou! Truly, my favorite so far. I am tired... my kids are driving me crazy... such a nice laugh! :) Mar

Genet said...

You are hysterical and I'm so glad I am privileged enough to know you. Thanks for making me laugh. Genet

Kelly(M&M) said...

I have always wanted a glimpse inside your head and now I can have it! You are the wittiest person I know and I am so glad you have a blog now! I look forward to things as funny as this one was. Very appropriate also. :-)