I have recently submitted a few of my blog posts as articles to a website called Divine Caroline - they have articles about pretty much everything, and anyone can submit - and today/tonight I got an email that my article is being featured on the front page of their parenting section. It's the one I wrote about school pictures.
Check it out at divinecaroline.com. Click the little "I liked it" icon to show me some big love. The article is entitled "Say Cheese" by e.e.richards.
Just a couple of quick things.
First - Seriously, not one comment on my global warming manifesto? I'm a little disappointed. I was sure that like me you would all have nothing better to do than be absorbed in all things bloggy because of the total absence of warmth, sun and the ability to leave the house. (The pitch of that crazy little voice in my head is getting progressively higher and louder with each passing day stuck inside with my children and I'm seriously considering the suicide by hypothermia thing. I give myself 8 minutes. Tops.) And...
I think that my bum might be permanently stuck to my yellow velvet wing back chair (that's right -yellow velvet wing back... awesome) because as I just pointed out, it is still snowy and icy and cold - (for real snow and ice and cold, not just the Oregon poser kind) and I have been sitting here, in the same spot working on my blog all day. (I'm becoming like that king in the Shel Silverstein poem that only ate peanut butter sandwiches and his jaws stuck together for 50 years or something - except it's my bum, sticking to the chair - like I already said). Seriously, my kids are eating cereal out of baggies and the last time I checked, only 2 were accounted for.
So. As many of you know I've been working on my doula certification for awhile and I really want to finish it up... so that I can start getting paid. (Not super benevolent, but there it is.) So. I've got a new blog : bellybirthblog.blogspot.com (and it turned out pretty well if I do say so myself) where you can find out what the heck a doula is, read about my journey toward full doulaship , and get info about all things childbirth (books, research, baby slings/wraps/carriers, lactation/breastfeeding, fertility etc).
So. If you know anyone in the Portland area that is looking for a really awesome and enthusiastic and FREE labor doula, I would love to hear from them. Just point them toward my blog or they can reach me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I am aiming for one or two births a month, and already have one scheduled for May, so.. chop, chop people. Go find me some pregnant girls and pass the doula love along. (Yes, it is legal.)
- Way More Inconvenient Truth #1: Global Warming will alleviate undo stress to our healthcare system. Cold people are fat people. Fat people - not super healthy. This claim is based on a week's worth of research that determined that all I want to do when it snows is eat, work on my blog, eat, watch episodes of "Angel" on Hulu and eat -(and I've not exactly been snacking on the low carbs and veggie platter, Al. Unless you count chocolate covered cherries as fruit.) As for exercise - it's hard to breathe through frozen boogers, so running is out. Also, I can't do sit-ups and eat at the same time, so...
- Way More Inconvenient Truth #2: Global Warming will save our public education system. Cold people are forced to homeschool their children. I know quite a few homeschooled kids and they are well adjusted, socially competent, and intelligent people. My husband and I even considered homeschooling our oldest child this year. However. I have now lived through one solid week of school closures (in addition to staring down the barrel of a 2 week Christmas break) and I am sad to report that by day three I wanted to run naked through the icy street and pray for a quick death from hypothermia.
- Way More Inconvenient Truth #3: Global Warming will stop our dependance on foreign oil. Cold people need big SUVs with 4 wheel drive. How else can they be expected to make it through the snow in order to perform essential tasks, like trekking to Target to buy snow clothes that your kids will only use once. I think we can all agree that our dependence upon foreign oil will end only when we live in a world warm enough to drive one of those little tiny electric cars that might look all responsible, but won't get you down an icy road to the nearest MacDonalds.
- Way More Inconvenient Truth #4: Global Warming will strengthen families. I don't know about you, but I need a routine that I can control. I need a routine that I can rely on. I need a routine that includes my husband and children getting the heck out of my house - which they cannot do if there's 12" of snow in my driveway. Don't get me wrong, I love them, I just want to avoid a Paris Hilton/Nicole Ritchie estrangement. All I'm saying is that if those girls had cut down on the one on one time and broadened their circle of friends they might still be total BFFs.
- Way More Inconvenient Truth #5: Global Warming will save the arts. Specifically my favorite television shows- which have all been preempted in favor of storm updates. Apparently the viewing public can't get enough of reporters standing in snow and talking about snow and showing pictures of snow.
Aside from liberally editing annoying children's stories and the seizure of gingerbread house candy, there are other parenting moments of which I am not particularly proud. For example,
telling my three year old that although it was unfortunate that her binky was missing, she had surpassed the approved "binky use" age threshold and would therefore need to soldier on through childhood without it. (It worked well, by the way. She never asked for it again). Or,
insisting to my son that there was a Storm Trooper hiding in the basement so that he would embark on a "search and destroy mission" and leave me alone to write on my blog. (I know, weasely, but again, effective.) Or my running narrative of nearly every Disney princess tale where I inform my daughter that if Cinderella had stayed in school and gotten her Master's Degree she could've moved out on her own and not married the first boy that asked her to dance. (I'm sticking by that one.) Or my favorite seasonal lie - "I'm emailing Santa, not his elves, him. I'm sure he'll be interested to know that you think I'm a "total meaner" for making you fold your clothes." I can solicit all kinds of good behavior with that one.
Let's face it folks, a lot of parenting is just finding the smallest lie that works best at the time. Is it wrong? Almost probably. Is it effective? You betcha, and if you really think about it, believing tiny little lies are a lot of what childhood is about anyway. Sometimes lies sustain the wonder of the child (ala Santa, the Tooth Fairy and the belief that you really can grow up to be a Jedi). Sometimes lies, however, sustain the sanity of the parent. And when there is not much sanity to be found, I'll take it where I can find it. Even if it's stuck to the roof of my kid's gingerbread house.
I am a huge believer that a woman needs to have marketable skills. In my opinion, (and since you're reading this I'm assuming you want my opinion,) the ability to be financially independent is vital to the long term well being of any girl, let's face it - stuff happens. Because this is a subject so dear to me I have worked long and hard and can now do... absolutely nothing that anyone will pay me for. Until now. One word. Pirate.
How, you might ask, have I settled on this lucrative career in "open ocean asset liberation"? Well, I attended the Portland Pirate Festival this weekend with my family (yes there is such a thing - my people are very organized), and I have seen the future. Judging from the other attendees, whom, I can only believe, are pirates themselves, I need only three things -
1. A really bad English accent - I should actually call this a "British" accent, because I heard bad accents from every corner of the Queen's realm. Irish, English, and I'm presuming Welsh. (I don't really know what the Welshies sound like. Do you? Well neither did the people imitating them.) Also, there were many psuedo Scotts there doing great injustice to this lovely accent. Many of them, men in kilts. Many of them playing bagpipes (ok - actually only one with bagpipes), but bagpipes are loud, so I just pretended. Regardless, I can do a bad accent with the best of them, so...check.
2. Boobs. Apparently, girls are totally allowed to be a pirates, (the bad luck on ships thing is a myth, we like diversity aboard), but only if you wear a dress that is too small, with a corset that is too tight (it is best if the clasps make a creaking noise when you move), so as to heave your boobs as close to your collarbone as possible. This must come in handy during hand to hand combat - distraction technique.
Bra in the way? No problem, totally optional, simply toss it into the sea. Go ahead, take the girls out for a walk without a leash and get the most bounce possible. (Also, all those bras lying on the seabed make for an excellent reef starter.) Didn't know pirates are eco friendly did you?
Obviously, I've got the equipment for this but I will need to invest in some new pieces for my wardrobe. (I think I will keep the bra though. Maybe those other pirate gals haven't nursed three babies, but I have. So, there you go).
3. Complete lack of concern for hygiene. I admit, this will be the biggest challenge to my getting ahead in the pirate world. I really like showers. Also, I like pedicures, all manner of high end moisturizes and really good makeup. (I think I can keep the makeup as long as I use every product I have when I wear it. Pirates don't do the "natural look.") I'm pretty certain that they will confiscate my deodorant though. Maybe they have the same rules as the airlines - no gels or liquids over three ounces. Stinky, but safe.
As you can see, I am totally qualified for life on the open seas and may be seeking employment soon. So don't be surprised if I'm looking like a true career woman in our family Christmas card this year. I'll be the one in the velvet corset.