Little Man Pants

My oldest son turned 6 on Thursday.  It's amazing to me that he can change so much, but my stretch marks, which are the same age as him, are essentially the same.  I think it's a bit of a cruel joke that a body can start out all smooth and lovely (if I do say so myself) without much effort at all, and then when that same body gets pregnant - hot dog in a microwave.  Stuff exploding all over and not a thing you can do about it.  Anyway...

I grew up in an all girl household (as most of you have heard) and it was a pretty liberated existence.  I didn't even know that most families usually wore clothes at home, because we figured - why bother?  It was a mad rush up the stairs to get decent every time the door bell rang.  I'm not sure if anyone ever saw the Running of the Girls, but if you did - please keep it to yourself - I might run for office one day and if it got out that I was a semi-nudist as a teen it might cause a lot of work for my campaign staff.

I always assumed I would have all girls like my mother.  My first child was, to my delight, a girl.   My first niece - was a girl (obviously, but there is no gender neutral term for your sister's kids).  Then I got pregnant again, and I assumed that baby #2 was a girl.  I had names and everything.  At the ultra-sound, when they showed me all my baby's business, I told the ultra sound interpreter lady that she needed to check again because "girls don't have those."  She assured me that girls don't, but my son did.  I was not pleased. (I know as a mother I was supposed to be thrilled with whatever I was getting, but motherhood and I don't always see belly to belly).  

Months passed and then (very long story short) I was holding a baby boy, that looked a little bit like Yoda, smelled that really good smell that only women can smell on newborn babies (sorry men - but you are totally missing out here) and was looking at me like he knew me from a long time ago and was so glad to see me again.  I was in love with that boy from the moment I saw/smelled/kissed him. I'm still in love with him. Before he goes to bed at night we take turn saying "You are the moon and I am the stars, and my love is all around you."  He made that up when he was 4 and it makes me want to cry when I think that one day he will probably say it to another girl.

So, here are the reasons I adore having sons and would take a hundred more (in theory only):

5.  Boys love their moms.  They give big hugs and big kisses and think you are the most beautiful girl in the world.  One day my son and I were driving in the car and we passed a woman running with her dog.  She had apparently been mugged by a shirt thief leaving her to run home in almost no clothes (poor thing) and she was also very...bouncy.  A few seconds after passing her my son said "Mom, did you see that?"  I thought "Yeah, I thought she was gonna lose an eye".  Then my son said "That was the biggest dog I've ever seen" - like she wasn't even part of his mental picture. Now that's a good man.

4.  Boys are simple.  Feed 'em something messy, clothe 'em (in anything), water 'em and they're happy as little clams.  (I'm not sure what clams are happy about.  I will not be happy if I come back as a clam.)

3.  Boys have an upgraded sound chip.  My sons can make noises with their mouths that I thought only came from sci-fi movies.  They can imitate rockets being launched, guns being fired, lasers being blasted.  Do you know what a light saber sounds like when it's activated by its Jedi - well I do, because my boys make that noise all the time.  It is also my signal to intervene because it means that there is an impending battle between - a. my sons, b. my sons and the dog, c. my sons and my pottery.  Eventually I'm sure I will grow weary of their noises, but right now, I'm still pretty impressed.  (ps - I've tried to make these noises myself - no good).

2.  Boys don't have girl friends (that is friends that are girls) and so escape the girl friend drama through which my almost 9 year old daughter is living right now.  I have suggested to her on more than one occasion that she play with boys instead, (this was my coping mechanism of choice) but she says that boys are "stupid and gross" so I guess that's a no.  All I'm saying is that my son and one of his friends played Legos together for like 2 hours the other day with no issues (that they didn't resolve on their own) and at the end of it announced that they were glad to be best friends (even though they have played together twice - total.)  Now, that's male bonding.

1.  Little man clothes.  If you think that only girls have cute clothes, you obviously have never purchased little tighty whiteys for your 3 year old.  FREAKING ADORABLE.  Even better - little tiny boxer-briefs for your 6 year old.  Seriously, I wish my boys could just show everyone what they look like in their unders because it is that cute.  (But that would be weird and the state might have something to say about it so, luckily for them, I do keep them clothed.)  I am also a fan of the little man white shirt and tie combo for church, and the sweatshirt layered with a vest for casual wear.  Plus, no stupid hair bows, or those head bands that look like some tribal torture device (have you seen the marks those things make on little bald heads)  like little girls have to wear.

If you have not discovered the genius of boys, I recommend that you get yourself one - if for no other reason than to raise them up right (eg - mine always put the seat down) and in female solidarity provide a really good husband for some little sister out there who will one day hear that she is the moon and he is the stars and his love is all around her.

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Carter Family said...

That is the sweetest Rants in my pants I have heard yet. Boys unders are the best. Mitchell (2) is now potty trained and wearing boxer briefs... SO CUTE! My oldest, Justin (13) is now taller than me. He and I like to think we have our own communication... that even Shane doesn't understand (it drives Shane crazy). I think about the same thing... what if one day that communication is linked to some other girl. How sad for me! :)

Aimee said...

I was similarly uncertain about having boys but am pretty happy with them. Oh, my friend is attempting to popularize the term "nibling" as a gender-neutral substitute for niece or nephew. I kind of like it.

Jessie said...

I just love your blog. I think boys are awesome, which is a good thing since I have three older brothers. One day your daughter will learn that hanging out with boys is so much better. No silly girl drama!!

Genet said...

Your comments make me love my boys even more. Bennett stares at me with his deep brown eyes and gives me huge hugs and it melts my heart.

Jaime said...

I completely agree about the unders. Those boxer briefs are the cutest!! My daughter still hasn't forgiven me for not giving her a sister. She still asks Santa for a sister every year. Somehow I think my husband wouldn't be too happy if Santa gave me a daughter. Actually, I don't think I'd be too happy either. Ick!

Guinns said...

After having a boy following 3 girls, I must concur with everything you've said. My son knows how to pucker up better than any of my girls ever did. Or ever will. And I like to think he will still be puckering up and giving me kisses when he's 6'2" and his friends are there with their heads buried in my fridge. Maybe they'll even give kisses on the cheeks, too. "Hey Mrs. G! You sure look great today!" (A girl can dream can't she-both the 6'2" and the kisses thing!)

Jadie said...

So you saw me out running and didn't say hi? Rude.

Endre said...

ok - that was funny Jadie