To: Al Gore
Subject: fair warning
In light of your recent Nobel Prize success (good job on that by the way) I thought it only fair that you should be the first to know about the environmental campaign that I am officially launching today. Much like your recent efforts as a global do-gooder, my campaign will focus on climate change and the catastrophic consequences each of us is facing if immediate action is not taken. Unlike your efforts, however, I will be focusing my energies not on stopping global warming, but on hastening it.
Why such a radical departure from mainstream scientific thought, you might ask. In the words of the TV weatherman - Arctic Blast '08. (That's a snowstorm for all of you laypersons.) Where I live it would usually be ripe pickin' for your global warming concerns, but seven days of snow can make even the most fervent tree hugging state demand immediate action. Yes Mr. Gore, I have learned a few inconvenient truths of my own recently, and none of them sir, no not one, have been associated with being too warm.
I am calling my campaign "Warmer Is Better - A Way More Inconvenient Truth", and am furnishing you with a copy of our manifesto.
- Way More Inconvenient Truth #1: Global Warming will alleviate undo stress to our healthcare system. Cold people are fat people. Fat people - not super healthy. This claim is based on a week's worth of research that determined that all I want to do when it snows is eat, work on my blog, eat, watch episodes of "Angel" on Hulu and eat -(and I've not exactly been snacking on the low carbs and veggie platter, Al. Unless you count chocolate covered cherries as fruit.) As for exercise - it's hard to breathe through frozen boogers, so running is out. Also, I can't do sit-ups and eat at the same time, so...
- Way More Inconvenient Truth #2: Global Warming will save our public education system. Cold people are forced to homeschool their children. I know quite a few homeschooled kids and they are well adjusted, socially competent, and intelligent people. My husband and I even considered homeschooling our oldest child this year. However. I have now lived through one solid week of school closures (in addition to staring down the barrel of a 2 week Christmas break) and I am sad to report that by day three I wanted to run naked through the icy street and pray for a quick death from hypothermia.
- Way More Inconvenient Truth #3: Global Warming will stop our dependance on foreign oil. Cold people need big SUVs with 4 wheel drive. How else can they be expected to make it through the snow in order to perform essential tasks, like trekking to Target to buy snow clothes that your kids will only use once. I think we can all agree that our dependence upon foreign oil will end only when we live in a world warm enough to drive one of those little tiny electric cars that might look all responsible, but won't get you down an icy road to the nearest MacDonalds.
- Way More Inconvenient Truth #4: Global Warming will strengthen families. I don't know about you, but I need a routine that I can control. I need a routine that I can rely on. I need a routine that includes my husband and children getting the heck out of my house - which they cannot do if there's 12" of snow in my driveway. Don't get me wrong, I love them, I just want to avoid a Paris Hilton/Nicole Ritchie estrangement. All I'm saying is that if those girls had cut down on the one on one time and broadened their circle of friends they might still be total BFFs.
- Way More Inconvenient Truth #5: Global Warming will save the arts. Specifically my favorite television shows- which have all been preempted in favor of storm updates. Apparently the viewing public can't get enough of reporters standing in snow and talking about snow and showing pictures of snow.
This is of course, our first draft, and I would love to hear any ideas you might have on improving it or on waging a successful environmental campaign. Also, if you have the name of those Nobel Prize people, I'd like to start networking now because that $1.5 million would go a long way toward spreading our message. I know that you gave your cut to charity, but c'mon Al - a girl's gotta eat. And if this snow keeps up eat and eat and eat.
Thanks for your support. Together we can make a difference.