Peg leg pants

I am a huge believer that a woman needs to have marketable skills.  In my opinion, (and since you're reading this I'm assuming you want my opinion,) the ability to be financially independent is vital to the long term well being of any girl, let's face it - stuff happens.  Because this is a subject so dear to me I have worked long and hard and can now do... absolutely nothing that anyone will pay me for.  Until now.  One word.  Pirate.

How, you might ask, have I settled on this lucrative career in "open ocean asset liberation"? Well, I attended the Portland Pirate Festival this weekend with my family (yes there is such a thing - my people are very organized), and I have seen the future.  Judging from the other attendees, whom, I can only believe, are pirates themselves, I need only three things - 

1.  A really bad English accent - I should actually call this a "British" accent, because I heard bad accents from every corner of the Queen's realm.  Irish, English, and I'm presuming Welsh. (I don't really know what the Welshies sound like.  Do you?  Well neither did the people imitating them.)  Also, there were many psuedo Scotts there doing great injustice to this lovely accent. Many of them, men in kilts.  Many of them playing bagpipes (ok - actually only one with bagpipes), but bagpipes are loud, so I just pretended.   Regardless, I can do a bad accent with the best of them, so...check.

2.  Boobs.  Apparently, girls are totally allowed to be a pirates,  (the bad luck on ships thing is a myth, we like diversity aboard), but only if you wear a dress that is too small, with a corset that is too tight (it is best if the clasps make a creaking noise when you move),  so as to heave your boobs as close to your collarbone as possible.  This must come in handy during hand to hand combat - distraction technique.

 Bra in the way?  No problem, totally optional, simply toss it into the sea.  Go ahead, take the girls out for a walk without a leash and get the most bounce possible.  (Also, all those bras lying on the seabed make for an excellent reef starter.)  Didn't know pirates are eco friendly did you?

  Obviously, I've got the equipment for this but I will need to invest in some new pieces for my wardrobe.  (I think I will keep the bra though.  Maybe those other pirate gals haven't nursed three babies, but I have.  So, there you go). 

3.  Complete lack of concern for hygiene.  I admit, this will be the biggest challenge to my getting ahead in the pirate world.  I really like showers.  Also, I like pedicures, all manner of high end moisturizes and really good makeup.  (I think I can keep the makeup as long as I use every product I have when I wear it.  Pirates don't do the "natural look.")  I'm pretty certain that they will confiscate my deodorant though.  Maybe they have the same rules as the airlines - no gels or liquids over three ounces.  Stinky, but safe.

As you can see, I am totally qualified for life on the open seas and may be seeking employment soon.  So don't be surprised if I'm looking like a true career woman in our family Christmas card this year.  I'll be the one in the velvet corset.



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Nika Travis and Ayda said...

Who needs peg-legged pants when you can just peg your pants? I think you would make a nice pirate...chesty la-rue and all.

Jessie said...

Hi Endre. Just so you're not completely freaked out by some random person reading your blog, I'm Travis' sister (wait ... I'm not sure if that will help; he's kind of a weirdo—I'm sure you already knew that). But I saw a comment of yours on Nika's and decided to give yours a gander. All I have to say is yours is one of my new favorites.