No pants allowed

On Sunday morning I wake up before everyone else.  I shower, shave my legs, wax my face, moisturize my face, put makeup on my face, do my hair, get dressed, iron pants for 2 little boys, iron white shirts for 2 little boys, find pretty-close-to-matching pairs of socks for 2 little boys, find little man ties for two little boys, make breakfast for 2 little boys and (sometimes one little girl... she's pretty independent, that is to say "picky" and she complains a lot less if she is her own chef), curl and fix my daughter's hair (she has really beautiful hair, especially when she lets me comb it), force two little boys into white shirts and little man ties (which, as you know, is my favorite piece of little man clothing, but which they believe is essentially wearing a noose for Jesus.) 

Then it's: gather all the scriptures, (which no one can ever find), gather the shoes (which no one can ever find), and gather the keys (which no one can ever find).  I suppose I could get everything ready the night before, but that seems a little subversive to me, and not at all something that should be associated with the Sabbath.  Much better to be yelling at everyone "GET. IN. THE. CAR. NOW. WE. HAVE. TO. TAKE. THE. SACRAMENT." 

Recently added to my list of Sunday morning awesomeness is "pack a sack lunch", not a snack, a full on lunch.  A camel I'm not, and it could get ugly fast if I miss a meal, church or no.  So... at some point during the services I head into the mother's lounge (which is where the mom's with nursing babies can go for some privacy and still hear the speakers etc.) with my picnic basket to enjoy my peanut butter and apricot jam sandwich, grapes, carrots, cheese stick, oranges, cookies etc. 

 I choose the mother's lounge for a couple of reasons.  First, I don't have to share my food with my kids or with the kids in the pew in front of me that turn around and give you the Oliver Twist face as soon as they hear the rustle of a wrapper.  Second, I don't have to field any questions or quizzical looks about why I'm chowing down at church.  Women know, if you're eating at church, you're pregnant and you're sick - and they leave you alone. Men on the other hand think it's a good time to strike up a conversation beginning with a very quippy question/statement like "I hope you brought enough to share with me."  Whatever.

So... last week I haul my Mary Poppins church bag full of food into the mother's lounge... and there's a man in there.  I am not kidding.  A man sitting with his wife and baby in the mother's lounge.  As far as I'm concerned this is inexcusable.  It is a kin to a man hanging out in the women's restroom because he wants to be with his lady friend.  (My husband calls me that when he wants to make me gag a little bit.)  I don't care if I'm only in there washing my hands, or putting on my lipstick, or hiding from my kids - if you are a male that is old enough to not need your mom to hold up your tie while you're doing your business - you are in the wrong place and need to get the heck out.  The "get the heck out rule" also applies if

• you are a man and you are sitting next to me while I'm getting a pedicure.  I don't want to see big, hairy, man feet being buffed.  Yuck.
• you are a man and you are in the park (or someplace similar) during the middle of the day without a child of your own.  Creepy... and I will say something to you.
• you are a man and you are anywhere near my favorite makeup counter.  I don't care what MAC says.  I don't want to buy makeup from a boy trying to be prettier than me.

So... does this creepy-mother's-lounge-man-dweller just leave me alone to eat my lunch?  No.  He strikes up a conversation.  It went something like this:

• Creepy-mother's-lounge-man-dweller: "I used to do that"
  
• Annoyed Me:  "What?"  (You have to pretend to hear my annoyed voice in your head.  Also, I did my best "14 year old girl thinking you're lame" face.  That's important when you're annoyed with strange men.)
  
• Creepy-mother's-lounge-man-dweller:  "Hide in corners and eat during church"
• Annoyed Me:  "Why?"  (Again, same voice, same face.)
• Creepy-mother's-lounge-man-dweller: "Because I would get hungry during church and it was embarrassing when people would walk in on me and blah, blah, blah..." I stopped listening.  This is a grown man that needs a baggie of goldfish during church.  I was not impressed.
• Annoyed Me: "I'm pregnant, stupid" (OK, I didn't actually say stupid, but I totally thought it at him and I'm pretty sure he got the message.)  I also looked at his wife and thought "Wow, he's a keeper.  I'm jealous."  I'm not sure that she got the message.

These people finally left when another woman came in and, shocker, wanted to sit down and nurse her baby.  Maybe he was just off to get his goldfish fix.  I just rolled my eyes (I am pretty good at this) and she shook her head and... because I was eating my lunch, and because she was raised right, she didn't speak to me at all.