No pants allowed

On Sunday morning I wake up before everyone else.  I shower, shave my legs, wax my face, moisturize my face, put makeup on my face, do my hair, get dressed, iron pants for 2 little boys, iron white shirts for 2 little boys, find pretty-close-to-matching pairs of socks for 2 little boys, find little man ties for two little boys, make breakfast for 2 little boys and (sometimes one little girl... she's pretty independent, that is to say "picky" and she complains a lot less if she is her own chef), curl and fix my daughter's hair (she has really beautiful hair, especially when she lets me comb it), force two little boys into white shirts and little man ties (which, as you know, is my favorite piece of little man clothing, but which they believe is essentially wearing a noose for Jesus.) 

Then it's: gather all the scriptures, (which no one can ever find), gather the shoes (which no one can ever find), and gather the keys (which no one can ever find).  I suppose I could get everything ready the night before, but that seems a little subversive to me, and not at all something that should be associated with the Sabbath.  Much better to be yelling at everyone "GET. IN. THE. CAR. NOW. WE. HAVE. TO. TAKE. THE. SACRAMENT." 

Recently added to my list of Sunday morning awesomeness is "pack a sack lunch", not a snack, a full on lunch.  A camel I'm not, and it could get ugly fast if I miss a meal, church or no.  So... at some point during the services I head into the mother's lounge (which is where the mom's with nursing babies can go for some privacy and still hear the speakers etc.) with my picnic basket to enjoy my peanut butter and apricot jam sandwich, grapes, carrots, cheese stick, oranges, cookies etc. 

 I choose the mother's lounge for a couple of reasons.  First, I don't have to share my food with my kids or with the kids in the pew in front of me that turn around and give you the Oliver Twist face as soon as they hear the rustle of a wrapper.  Second, I don't have to field any questions or quizzical looks about why I'm chowing down at church.  Women know, if you're eating at church, you're pregnant and you're sick - and they leave you alone. Men on the other hand think it's a good time to strike up a conversation beginning with a very quippy question/statement like "I hope you brought enough to share with me."  Whatever.

So... last week I haul my Mary Poppins church bag full of food into the mother's lounge... and there's a man in there.  I am not kidding.  A man sitting with his wife and baby in the mother's lounge.  As far as I'm concerned this is inexcusable.  It is a kin to a man hanging out in the women's restroom because he wants to be with his lady friend.  (My husband calls me that when he wants to make me gag a little bit.)  I don't care if I'm only in there washing my hands, or putting on my lipstick, or hiding from my kids - if you are a male that is old enough to not need your mom to hold up your tie while you're doing your business - you are in the wrong place and need to get the heck out.  The "get the heck out rule" also applies if
  • you are a man and you are sitting next to me while I'm getting a pedicure.  I don't want to see big, hairy, man feet being buffed.  Yuck.
  • you are a man and you are in the park (or someplace similar) during the middle of the day without a child of your own.  Creepy... and I will say something to you.
  • you are a man and you are anywhere near my favorite makeup counter.  I don't care what MAC says.  I don't want to buy makeup from a boy trying to be prettier than me.

So... does this creepy-mother's-lounge-man-dweller just leave me alone to eat my lunch?  No.  He strikes up a conversation.  It went something like this:
  • Creepy-mother's-lounge-man-dweller: "I used to do that"
  • Annoyed Me:  "What?"  (You have to pretend to hear my annoyed voice in your head.  Also, I did my best "14 year old girl thinking you're lame" face.  That's important when you're annoyed with strange men.)
  • Creepy-mother's-lounge-man-dweller:  "Hide in corners and eat during church"
  • Annoyed Me:  "Why?"  (Again, same voice, same face.)
  • Creepy-mother's-lounge-man-dweller: "Because I would get hungry during church and it was embarrassing when people would walk in on me and blah, blah, blah..." I stopped listening.  This is a grown man that needs a baggie of goldfish during church.  I was not impressed.
  • Annoyed Me: "I'm pregnant, stupid" (OK, I didn't actually say stupid, but I totally thought it at him and I'm pretty sure he got the message.)  I also looked at his wife and thought "Wow, he's a keeper.  I'm jealous."  I'm not sure that she got the message.
These people finally left when another woman came in and, shocker, wanted to sit down and nurse her baby.  Maybe he was just off to get his goldfish fix.  I just rolled my eyes (I am pretty good at this) and she shook her head and... because I was eating my lunch, and because she was raised right, she didn't speak to me at all.  

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The Laundry Queen said...

Finally! I have been *waiting* for you to post! I have needed a laugh (the type that can only be fueled by your sense of humor) so am happy to have finally gotten what I needed, thanks.

I am so with you on the creepy man in the park-- go away, creepy man!

And, I can't believe that guy just hung out in the mother's room-- especially once you used your annoyed voice and that's so lame face. I can hear it and picture it... how could he not get it?! I know you and am *sure* you were quite clear in subtly making your point! That man must have been brain damaged! Hope it didn't ruin your lunch too much!

grammy said...

In my day the creepy men were out hunting for food, that they might be able to hang a deer head on some wall of the house, they certainly weren't in the , oh wait, we didn't have mother's lounges....

It is too bad that an unauthorized man violated the sanctity of the mother's lounge. The only time a man should be in the mother's lounge is if his family is assigned to clean the chapel on a Saturday when nobody is in the chapel but his family.

I think you should report this violation of the mother's lounge. Wait who is responsible for the mother's lounge? The R.S. president or maybe the activities committee???

pixie cut said...

I would like to have some kind of announcement over the pulpit next week. "... and Sister Richards would like to remind everyone that the mother's lounge is for mothers only."

Carter Family said...

Please have your Bishop make that announcement! That would be classic! I can't believe a man would actually go into sacred ground like the mother's room... unless he was asking if he could take out the dirty diaper pail. Which by the way... when I was pregnant I could not stand the smell of the mother's lounge... and always did find a deacon lurking in the hallways, instead of sitting with his family to empty it's contents while I too consumed all too quickly my snacks at church. Funny En! Very funny! :)

Toni said...

LOL! I was cracking up at the hairy man feet. Ewwwww! We always see this man that looks like a s%x offender while walking with our kids on the local trails. He's so dang creepy (not nice, I know, but he *is*) that I practially sew my kids to my hip when he passes.

Amy Jo said...

Hillarious, absolutely funny enough to laugh out loud at my desk at work!

Genet said...

I still can't believe this story. It would so freak me out if I found a man in there! Weird. I am all about the eating all the time these days. It's just hard to figure out what to eat and make it fast enough, you know. I think I spend most of the day just staring into the fridge. Maybe it will be over soon!