Put on Your Other Party Pants

Because I know you've been waiting, here are my suggestions for improving the next Republican Convention :


5. You can only wear one pair of pants at a time - Seriously - enough already with the political schizophrenia Republicans. Are we kinder and gentler - a folksy party for folksy folks, or are we heartless capitalists looking to exploit the workin' man? Are we in the middle or are we on the right? And since when is China "Adam Smith on steroids?" Aren't we for Adam Smith and against China and steroids? Maybe Congress should roll this into the whole baseball thing for us. (I know this China part has nothing to do with the rest of "#5", but I figured as long as the Republicans don't have a point I don't need one either.)

4. Ross Perot - Since we decided to go "platform free" in '08 why can't we invite Ross to give the keynote address? I mean, seriously, who doesn't love to watch him speak? He may be crazy, but the guy's got passion. Plus he's rich, and I think we are pro gettin' rich. (Hey, maybe we could get Dana Carvey too, which would be a super big bonus and capture the all important "Saturday Night Live voter block".)


3. No more bedazzled cowboy hats - As if I needed to explain...it's ugly (and I think we are definately pro pretty people - Sarah Palin for example) and it reminds everyone of Texas (and I thought we were trying to make a clean break from that wing of the party.)


2. Minnesota? - Really? Was Idaho all booked up? Did Nebraska not answer the phone? Let's face it- no one is going to think we're the party of big fun if we hang out in states like this.


1. Shave Ice - Free Hawaiian Shave Ice to all the reporters and speakers. Happy mouths make for happy commentary. Plus, it would be funny to watch Jim Lehrer and company do their bit with really bright purple, blue and red lips and tongues.


That's all I've got for you Reps - if all else fails just play the national anthem really loud and act like you can't hear what's going on around you.