{ Let me check your pants }

 A few months back, when we were looking for a new place to live, I applied for a job as an onsite apartment manager.  It's not like when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I said "the onsite apartment manager for an over 55 property", but I was willing to take one for the team.  I've been out of the paid workforce for over 10 years, so when they called and asked me to please bring my resume to the interview I thought that maybe they were joking.  They weren't.

I actually Googled "how to write a resume with little or no paid work experience".  Supporting my theory that you can learn anything from the internet, I was able to write something that was not a total embarrassment.  It consisted of basically taking all of the stuff I've done as a volunteer and making it sound like someone should've been paying me to do it.  I was ready to start sending out demands for back wages, but apparently the people at the property management place were less impressed.  Here's something I learned from that - nothing makes you realize that everyone who ever claimed that you are smart and capable and talented were lying right to your face faster than not being able to get a job as a resident apartment manager. (I also kinda blame Google.)

I was asked to put together a similar job history for an application to a midwifery program that I'm interested in.  I wrote the work timeline that they asked for, but it sounded pretty boring, so I tore it up (I actually just deleted it, but tearing it up seems way more dramatic and decisive) and wrote this instead:

  • Mom - 1999,2002,2005;  employment responsibilities include: First Responder/Medic (specializing in Magic Kiss Treatment - proven to heal any hurt, except broken hearts),  Transportation Services, Science Project Research Fellow, Lego-Conflict Mitigation, Light Saber Technician (contracted primarily by pre-school boys),  Financial Controller, Calendaring and Schedule Coordinator, Life and Style Coach, Soccer Party and Birthday Catering, Homework Tutor  (English: all levels, Math: K-3), Head of Housekeeping, Laundry Delivery Service, Social Etiquette Instruction, Director of Nutrition and Food Preparation Services , Psychological Counselor for ‘Tweens, Costume Mistress (including but not limited to Halloween, Soccer, Ballet, and School Pictures), Law Enforcement Agent, Pharmacist (special training in the uses of Tylenol, Chocolate Cake and Breastmilk).
I never submitted it.  I had finished up my application, tracked down my transcripts, and was figuring out how I was going to pay for school, when I found out that I was getting a new employer... baby #4... and it is because of him that I need to update my resume.

I was picking up the living room while the baby was on his stomach doing his wounded-soldier-drag-crawl when I looked down and saw poo running up his back.  Not down.  Up.  Have you ever heard that saying about  poo not running up hill?  Well, put enough gas behind it, and it loves running up hill.  I grabbed the wipes and started my HazMat cleanup, but seriously,  who was I kidding?  Whoever invented those wipes either has a baby with the world's smallest bum, or a baby that came out knowing all about flush toilets.  So, I just flipped him over and pulled the whole diaper off... and then I panicked.

My baby is breastfed.  I do not even own a bottle (Keep your pants on people.  I'm not telling you what to do with your girls, only what I do with mine) - and I hold off on solid foods until my kids can say, "Hey lady, how 'bout some of that sharing that I hear so much about?"  (Primarily because the constant cleaning-eating-spilling-cleaning-eating-spilling cycle annoys me.)  So, I was pretty sure that there should have been no  big red things in my baby's diaper.

At first I thought that it was blood, (because of the hemophilia) and I had no idea how I was going to apply direct pressure and get an icepack to go ... where it needed to go.  Then, I realized it was something solid and so (thankfully) not a trip to the emergency room.  I then did something that I never thought I'd do.  I picked two red mystery objects out of my baby's poo with my bare hands, wiped them off, and examined them. (Take that "Dirty Jobs" guy.)  I'm pretty sure my younger self was there watching and shaking her head ... and gagging, but my poo curiosity was just too strong.  I looked at the red things.  I turned the red things over.  I thought "I am really glad no one can see how interested I am in these pooey red things." I realized what the red things were.  Two partially digested pieces of cardboard... from an empty box of Girl Scouts cookies that had been discarded onto (what else) the floor by the swarm of locusts that are my children.  Awesome.

So... thanks Motherhood, I've just added two more jobs to an exponentially increasing list of skill sets - Waste Management and Forensic Anthropologist, (although considering that my baby's first solid food was an empty box of Girl Scouts cookies, I might want to brush up a little on the "Nutrition Director" portion of my work history... also, probably not great commentary on the "Head of Housekeeping" thing either).  Now all I have to figure out is where to send my invoice.  

Bookmark and Share


The Laundry Queen said...

I cannot BELIEVE you were able to do that! Not only because I know that I couldn't without first donning surgical gloves, but because I know you. KNEW you. I remember once, upon finding that a certain word would make you gag, saying said word a few times in fascination at what it caused you to do. (Sorry). Wow! I'm impressed. And I'm glad it wasn't blood, of course.

Shelli said...

Hysterically funny, as usual! I remember freaking out once about a multi-colored-filled diaper on one of my locusts. Artificially flavored strawberry yogurt... yeah, we don't go there anymore! I think my gag reflex died upon having children. Unfortunately, the father's seems to strengthen once the first rugrat is born.

Nika, Travis, Ayda and Zander said...

I thought for sure it would be a lego!

Afton said...

My son swallowed a quarter and after having an x-ray to see how it was progressing through his innards, the doctor sent me on my way with a generous handful of tongue depressors. "You can probably figure out what to do with these," he said, snickering as I left his office. The purpose finally dawned on me as I was merging onto the freeway. Not the best time to have an "Oh!!! Ewww! Gross" moment.

grammy said...

I feel great empathy for your resume quandary after my own resume' spruce up after 29 years in the workforce. I also was very fortunate that my babies were born potty trained and therefore no unusual object searching in well....dung. You can make funny out of the grossest things.

Carter Family said...

My little Miss Megan decided that eating her 14K diamond earings would be a good idea one time... I did the same thing... but I had to check each poop, each day until I found them. Totally gross!!! Only something a mother will do!

carmar76 said...

Eeewwww! *laugh* I'm glad it was just cardboard. And I fully support your resume - all of those things are TRUE, especially of SAHM's!

Loralee and the gang... said...

I can't believe that you did that! I have never have done that with any of my 7 - but then I am pretty sure none of them actually ate empty boxes - but I am NOT judging here, because I know that certainly have eaten other weird things, and after they were old enough to know better, too!

Happy Holmes said...

I can now say with firm conviction that you have officially curbed my desire to go out and buy our entire life savings worth in girl scout cookies!

Glad he survived the cardboard experience!

S. said...

I signed up for a blog today just so I could follow yours. I haven't put a thing on mine, as I have been reading yours and laughing until I cried all day. Too funny with the poop thing. Mine are all past that, thank goodness, but I can completly relate. In my case the red poo was related to older sibling "kindly" feeding 3 week old slurpie. Not as easy to figure out.

Chelly said...

First~ Endre~ LOLWG (Laugh Out Loud While Gagging) Second~ I'm curious to know if the word that makes you gag is the same word that makes me gag (although I have a few such words) Thrid: Afton? I've been scratching my head for a while now trying to figure out what you were supposed to do with those tongue depressors, but I just can't find the "aHA!" moment LOL Dare I ask? *gets bucket in case response contains one of the Forbidden Words*