3.19.2010

{Our Tooth Fairy Keeps Forgetting Her Pants}

Memo

From: E.

To:  Tooth Fairy

Re:  What the heck?




This memo is to serve as your official notification that I will be filing a formal complaint with your supervisor regarding our complete dissatisfaction with your performance as our family's Tooth Fairy.

On more than one occasion you have demonstrated behavior that leads me to believe that you would be better suited for a different field of employment.  Such behaviors include an alarmingly high rate of absenteeism (my son waited three days for your last pick up), disregarding your obligation for personal written correspondence with my children (you have yet to answer my son's letter requesting information on what you do with all of those teeth - I think he finds it a little disturbing) and below market value pricing for my children's cavity free teeth.  One of my son's classmates is currently being compensated at the rate of $10 per tooth, and my sister informs me that her Tooth Fairy leaves fancy gold dollars with each visit.  We will be filing a separate complaint with the EEOC and will be requesting all back pay plus fines paid in full as soon as possible.

I do not have the extra time nor am I willing to assume responsibility any longer for your carelessness.  I will no longer attempt to convince my disappointed children that their tooth money has fallen behind the bed, worked its way into the pillowcase, or become tangled in the sheets.  I will no longer pen hastily written letters with my left hand to disguise my handwriting in hopes of protecting your professional reputation.  I will no longer store two mouths worth of teeth in my underwear drawer because you have failed to remove them as per your job description.  (Quite frankly it's just a little gross.)

As my children's advocate in this matter, I can no longer accept your irresponsible behavior nor will I subject them to the neglect and obvious careless regard that you have for their feelings.  I will be requesting a replacement fairy as soon as possible, and can only hope that you pursue a career that does not involve destroying childhood memories.

I am keeping my fingers crossed that your replacement is more responsible and thorough than you have been.


ps-
I will be forwarding my complaint to the Easter Bunny, Santa's Workshop and The Great Pumpkin.
Bookmark and Share

8 comments:

The Laundry Queen said...

Hilarious, e.! We must have the same tooth fairy. Ours didn't come for like 2 weeks once-- she left a note saying that she'd had a lingering cough that kept her from being stealthy enough to do her job. I'm not sure that I bought it, but the kids seemed to. Good luck with the replacement.

Shelli said...

I should've fired our tooth fairy many years ago because I have the same complaints! A great blog once again by the incomparable E!!!

grammy said...

Try having a tooth fairy who is in an electric wheelchair!! A new job description is in order complete with the essential functions. This is a tough position to fill and thetalent to fill the role of -- experienced, dependable tooth fairies is extremely small...

Nika, Travis, Ayda and Zander said...

I think mom tried to pass the blame on dad but come on, his wheelchair couldn't climb stairs, it was all her! :) I think mom found more money "that had fallen on the floor" than any other mom. funny post!

e. said...

sister #3 told me that she just recycles those gold dollars. her kids just keep getting the same one over and over again... made me feel better.

Chelly said...

What agency did you get your fairy through? It's important that they have excellent references and to make sure they are licensed, bonded and insured. I'm sorry for all the trouble yours has caused you~ so far, we have had no complaints, but the Losing of Teeth has only just begun in our home~ time will tell! Good for you for taking on the Establishment and letting your voice be heard. I think the CEI (Child's Entitlement Industry) has become increasingly lazy the past few years~ (the Easter Bunny in particular has been a thorn in my side since the Easter of '05)

Carter Family said...

Our tooth fairy left a note last time stating that because of budget cuts... He/She would no longer be coming to our home.

Jadie said...

This is obviously a case of discrimination. Statistics show that the Tooth Fairy favors households of higher income and with fewer children ($10!!). Shockingly, there's marked evidence that Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Great Pumpkin (a.k.a., the usual suspects) all exhibit the same pattern of bias. I smell a conspiracy........