{Chaps are not pants}

It's a premier people.  Our first Rants in My Pants guest contributor - my mom.  Some things are just meant to be... read on.

I grew up in Montana and it was not unusual to see people wearing chaps - men, women and children alike. I never owned a pair of chaps, but my dad and brothers may have had chaps. It was quite vogue to wear chaps while herding cattle or competing in rodeo events or even in the 4-H show ring.

I left Montana in 1988 and have not seen a pair of chaps worn in public since that time. Until last week when I had the misfortune of running into a man in chaps. I was at the dry cleaners, just minding my own business when I looked at a male customer in the next line and he was wearing chaps.  Perhaps there was some special event in the neighborhood that caused this man to pick up his dry cleaning in his chaps – as well as a woven leather headband with the tassels trailing down his pasty white back (he was bare from neck to waist) and his best lace up moccasins.  

Things were worse below the belt.  As he turned to feel in his back pocket he discovered (apparently without alarm) that chaps do not have back pockets. What he should have known (since I’m assuming he owns a mirror) is that the only thing he would be touching was his very white, flabby backside.  I am not kidding -- this man had nothing on under his chaps. I don’t claim to have a marvelous bum, but I promise that I have never gone out into public pretending to be covered when in reality I was totally exposed. I was looking around for the hidden camera.  The second glance after he turned back toward the counter was even more alarming.

Of course, my only opportunity to send a picture of a bare bummed, chap-wearing, American Indian pretender and my cell phone was in the car. I am pretty sure that I ruptured some internal organs as I stifled the laughter.

I spent some time after this unfortunate encounter asking myself “who in their right mind would ever go out in public with their backside totally exposed”.  A few answers came to mind:

·         -An escapee from a hospital

·         -An escapee from a nudist colony

·         -One of my grandsons who doesn’t like wearing pants

·         -A cowboy who lost his pants in a game of poker

Not on the list - white guy collecting his dry cleaning. Just a friendly reminder to anyone who is tempted to try this at home – such activity may have an adverse affect on unsuspecting viewers for years to come and always remember CHAPS ARE NOT PANTS.

-Mama D.  (whose pants always cover her bum.)  Thanks for the story mom.