Stop biting my pants.

I did something this weekend that I swore I would never do.  I watched the movie Twilight.  In my defense - Friday is the worst night ever for television viewing, especially when you only get four channels.  Bill Moyers gets on my last nerve and I would rather do a stint in Guantanamo than watch "Super Nanny" or "Wife Swap".  So instead of finding something productive like blogging, tweeting, or facebooking I sacrificed my pride and rented a movie about teenage vampire love from the MacDonald's Red Box.  (How could a dollar movie be bad?)

My aversion to the Twilight series hinges (loosely) on  three things.  One - I have a bit of an addictive personality.  Two words:  Harry Potter.  I read each book straight through with almost no breaks.  My poor children learned to develop a taste for dry cereal and left over breakfast pancakes.  Additionally, I own all of the books on tape and listen to them whenever I'm doing kitchen chores.  At this point I think it's just for the background noise, but that could just be an excuse.  I am not however as... well, weird, as those people in the documentary "We Are Wizards".  I don't live a "wizard lifestyle" and I don't own a wand.  But... I did watch a documentary called "We Are Wizards" so...  Anyway, I find it best just to avoid anything that might trigger my more obsessive impulses.

Two - I don't like doing stereotypical girly things.  I don't scrapbook.  I barely take pictures actually.  I volunteer at my kids' school out of guilt, and do not plan on doing it full time after the public education system has claimed my last child.  (I'm planning a mitzvah actually.  You're going to want an invite.  It's going to be super fun.) I will never quote Oprah Winfrey, and I boycott her book club (is she still doing her book club?) In short - I'm a bit of a snob sometimes
 and it's hard for me to shake.

Three- Stephanie Meyer is Mormon.  Now, some of you may be scratching your heads at this because... so am I (Mormon, not scratching my head).  I just don't like feeling obligated to love or even half-heartedly support something simply because the author/politician/actor believes in the same God that I do.  I always want my loyalty to be based on merit... and how funny a person is.  That's important.  (This might actually boil down to the snob thing too.  What do ya think?)

Anyway.  I watched the movie and keeping in mind that I have never read the books, so I'm sure I'm missing some plot twists that some of you might consider important, I have a few observations.  

1.  Teenage girls love angst ridden boys that only they can fix.  This vampire boy has been alive since 1901 (did I do that math correctly) and there's only been one girl in 108 years that he couldn't stay away from?  Only one girl in 108 years that could make him emotionally attach.  Let's face it- I totally would've gone for that when I was 17.  (Now at age 34 I would think to myself - COMMITMENT ISSUES.  RUN AWAY.)

2.  When a boy saves a girl from a drunken gang of would be evil doers and pulls an awesome reverse-180 spinning driving trick she is going to think he's cool.  Especially if he buys her dinner afterward.  There's just nothing that can be done about it.  What I've learned from this is that my daughter will always do the driving.   

3.  The hair can make the boy.  Just be careful here, because sometimes the hair can leave the boy too.

4.  Hot trumps Creepy every time.  Think about some of the dialogue in this movie.  Vampire Edward tells Bella (the girl) that he's essentially been stalking her because he "feels very protective of her".  He tells her that he wanted to kill her when they first met and that he suspects that he still just might do so.  He tells her that he's been sneaking into her room in the night to watch her sleep because it "fascinates him".  He tells her that he is so strong and fast that she could never get away from him.   Hmmm.  This is all good with her though because... he's hot.  Now, think about how this would've played out if the boy looked, not like Robert Pattinson, (who p.s. was also in one of the Harry Potter movies) but like one of those slightly sweaty, greasy, dirty teenage boys with long, slightly frizzy, pony tailed hair, with patchy facial hair and acne- complete with long, black trench coat and army boots.  What do you think of the stalking, sleep watching, killing impulses now?  I don't know about you, but if that boy would've said those things to me, he'd be named as a defendant.  Pretty people can get away with a lot of stuff that the un-pretty just can't pull off, and that includes being creepy.

5.  Old-ish women like to watch young women being loved in a way that is reckless and primal and totally unrealistic, either because they were never loved that way by a boy and wished they had been, or because they were and wish they could be again.  Just remember girls that new love isn't always love.  Sometimes it's just chemistry.  Chemistry is fun and nice and tingly, but it doesn't hold your hair back while your throwing up sick with the flu, or tell you you're beautiful when you've gained 40 lbs (who are we kidding?) 60 lbs of "baby weight", or help keep you calm as you're trying to pay way too many bills with way too little money. Chemistry doesn't do that, Love does.  Chemistry might be sparkly and flashy, but eventually it explodes and then it's gone...and ask any chemist, sometimes it leaves a really bad smell behind and may or may not singe off your eyebrows.

As much to my surprise as anyone's, I actually thought that the movie was pretty good, (although I was really disturbed when my 9 year old daughter told me that many of her friends have seen it and did I think that she could see it too?  Yeah right kid), and it gives me added pleasure to imagine the look of horror on Bill Moyers' face if he knew that I would rather watch a pretty boy vampire than listen to him conduct an interview on the current climate of labor politics.  Like I said - the hair makes the boy and in this case Bill, sorry but there's no contest.

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The Laundry Queen said...

Oh, I laughed so hard (mostly inside because the baby's napping)! I loved your #3 warning about the hair that makes the boy can also leave the boy. Hilarious!

P.S. I don't know if you saw the wands I made, but I can make you one, too, if you want. You can hide it and no one will ever know. Here's the link to my blog with pictures of some of them (you have to scroll down): http://adventuresofthelaundryqueen.blogspot.com/2008/06/baseball-wands.html

Seriously. I'll keep the secret. I'm working on spells to get the housework done...

Nika Travis and Ayda said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nika Travis and Ayda said...

I guess I wont judge you for seeing the movie, I will not be watching it. I think I would rather watch a man trim his nails at the grocery store :) I did like point number 3 about the hair can make the boy but the hair can also leave the boy...very funny.

Kelly(M&M) said...

Thia was one of my favorite posts, mostly because it is the Endre I know and love!! I am an addictive reader too, so I stayed away from Twilight- far, far away! I did finally pick it up last year and I liked it, but wasn't overly impressed. I was interested enough to read each one, but it never took over my life like Harry Potter. I did see the movie because I think it's great to see things that have only been in my head!
The Stephenie Meyer part actually was one of the reasons I DID read it. I was on a reader's forum a few years ago when she was a regular poster. She told us about her book way back then and I think it has been pretty cool to watch it become such a phenomenon- and not just in the LDS culture. I was on a cruise and the girl next to me in the itty bitty bikini and tattoos all over was reading Twilight- too funny!!

grammy said...

In my world twilight will always be "dusk" and I have vowed never to watch any movie that includes vampires and other creepy things. Give me a good episode of Matlock any day....Just a note -- the hair that leaves the man also grows back in places like the ears and nose and on the back of their necks!!

Deja Marie said...

I am an old friend of Nika and I must say that I find your blog so much fun to read! Don't mind me, I'm just another crazy blog stalker who loves a good laugh! And by-the-way, I being a Mormon chicka myself has to agree with the comment that just because...blah de blah...doesn't me you have to love em! Amen pants ladY! Thanks for the good time! :0)

Genet said...

You are hysterical! I have read Twilight but not the others. We'll see if I come around some day. I still haven't seen the movie but based on your review, maybe sometime when I need some unrealistic romance, I'll give in.

Alyson Broberg said...

I might want to add to advice for girls: if you want to help your boyfriend keep his pants on, which Edward is trying to do (as well as keep his fangs off her neck) in that happens-to-be-in-the bedroom scene, don't try to do so when not wearing pants yourself (Bella sleeps in a t-shirt and panties and apparently thinks she and he can continue to speak rationally and compassionately about restraint whilst sitting on the bed in underpants). I'm a GIRL, for crying out loud, and all I could think of during that whole scene was, "B-b-b-ut you're still only wearing panties! Dress yourself!" This aspect of the scene, of course, is not true to the book (I've only read the first one, as well).

A delightful blog, as usual. I think the media has failed overall to recognize a big part of the book's appeal--girls are attracted to hot (and even creepy), but more so if accompanied by the responsible, restrained, nurturing qualities which are lacking in most teenage and many adult relationships.

pixie cut said...

yeah what she said.